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2008-03-03 13:42:41 UTC
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all
• Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception
• Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year
• Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device
• Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet !"
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A: Childbirth
• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better
• Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember
• Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder
• Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are,
• Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman
• Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
• Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers
• Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A: Brute force
• Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !
• Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant
• Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
• Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy
• Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it's a girl.
• Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts
• Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips
• Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse
• Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks
• Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
• Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
• Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly
• Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
• Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
• Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again
• Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they ?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy
• Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
• Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey