What should I do? We want a baby, but we have to wait.?

Question

Okay. I came off the pill last year, ready for my wedding in April. We tried for a baby for a month after we were married and then I got offered a new job (more secure, better prospects and training and half the distance travelling).

I have to have CRB check etc before I can even hand in my notice and then there is a six month probabtion period at the new job. Being the worrier that I am I have convinced myself that if I get pregnant before the end of my probation (and my employer finds out) I will have my employment terminated, albeit not "directly relating to being pregnant". Whatever discrimination law there are, if I'm in probation they don't have to give a reason and would otherwise just make life hard for me.

Not only that I want to establish myself in the role before putting myself through, what could be, the most stressfull and difficult time of my life so far. I want to be comfortable with the people I work with, so I wont feel so bad when I have the inevitavle mood swing or vomiting etc. There's also the issue of maternity pay, which I will not get unless I've been working there for 3 months before I get pregnant.

At this point I'd like to mention that my husband has only been in his job for 2 months and earns far less than me. As much as I want to be a mum, it would be difficult for me to give up work - nor would I wish to after spending a lifetime building up my career. We also have some home improvements that I would like to do, while I'm still able-bodied.

So here is the thing. I'm heartbroken that I will have to wait to have a family...in my heart I want it more than anything and cannot stop thinking about it. But my brain knows that the unselfish thing to do would be to establish myself in the new job so I can provide security for my family in the future. Since being married everyone keeps hinting about "when we are gonna start a family" and it's upsetting both me and my husband.

Especially my husband, who has become quite depressed since I found out about the probabtion period. He said he is disapointed that we can't try for six months and wanted to be to have the good news. But I figure this is a selfish reason to want a child and stems from wanting to show off and be the centre of attention.

I don't think he's being mature about it, nor has he looked into the reality of pregnancy, childbirth and looking after another human being for the rest of your life. My thought is that, if waiting a few more months will make things a little easier for us all, surely it is the right thing to do.

However...both of us have been looking forward to sex without the use of a comdom and I think this is partly what is getting him down. I don't want to go back on the pill or have an injection as they may make it hard for me to get pregant for a year after I've taken it (and I want to start trying around christmas). So I'm trapped in a horrible limbo where I can't really have sex with my husband for 6 months. So...
Should I not take the job
Should I just go ahead and have sex and hope I don't fall pregant or that if I do I won't loose my job (or have a stroke from being preggers and learning a new job at the same time)
Should I use a form of contraception
Should I swollow my heartbreak and listen to my head
Should I tell my husband that he needs to forget his dissapointment and support me by wearing a comdom (and how can I say this without hurting his feelings)
Am I the bad guy? (I feel horrensously guilty about upsetting my husband and not wanted a baby yet and also angry that he is making me feel bad, when it is MY body and I'm trying to do the right thing)

I haven't been able to talk to him much because this whole situation is ripping me up and I don't know the solution. It is hard for both of us.

Help!

Answer 1

You know what the right thing to do is. You and your husband will be bringing a life into the world, and you have to take that very seriously. You need to be absolutely certain that you can provide for a baby when it's born, and that you don't have undue amounts of stress during your pregnancy. It sounds like you should wait until your probabtion is over and you are settled in your new job. You're going to be responsible for this extra life for as long as you both live - what doesn an extra 6 months matter. You may be right that hormonal contraception might cause a delay in falling pregnant when you're ready, so I'd recommend using condoms for a while.



I'm more concerned about your comment that you don't think your husband has really taken in all of the implications and responsibilities. Perhaps you could arrange for him to abbysit a toddler so that he gets a taste of what life will be like after the cute baby phase has worn off. You need to be sure that he wants a child, not just a baby. It sounds like he's stamping his feet because he wants it all NOW. I think you just have to be really frank with him.

Answer 2

I think you already know what the best way forward is, but I appreciate the difficulties in making your husband understand.



Maybe I can offer something for you both to consider. I was married in the February and became pregnant in the December. That gave us around 10 months of married life without a baby. We now have two sons and another baby due this November. My eldest children are now 13 and 11. We love them very dearly and could never imagine life without them. But it's nice to reflect on the 10 months we had alone, just the two of us. Last Sunday we took our boys to a place we hadn't been to since before they were born, and it triggered a lot of memories about the things we used to do before we became parents. Now they're older we can do some of those things again, only this time they will come too. But in November that will all change again when baby number 3 comes along.



I think what I'm trying to say is that you've only been married a month, and this time, YOUR time, will only ever happen this once. If I were in your shoes I would take the job, do the probation, and make a compromise with your husband. Maybe he could wear a condom in return for filling your free time between now and Christmas with activities that you and he can both look back upon fondly when you have your family. Those early days of a marriage are golden days, make the most of them. An added bonus would be that if you did fill your time with things just for the two of you, then the time between now and you finishing your probation will pass much more quickly. Make a point of doing things you couldn't possibly do with a baby in tow. Ride the highest roller coasters, take action holidays, do a sponsored charity run together, climb a rock face and visit the caves.....all things that will bond and seal your time together, but wouldn't be possible with junior along for the ride. You will, without a doubt, find that once you are parents, you will have to make sacrifices over activities and time spent together as your lives are now. Go all out for them and live those experiences. Then there will be absolutely no regrets from either of you when your time as a family begins a whole new chapter for you.



I wish you luck in your new job, for your future family planning, and have the utmost respect for you for wanting to do things the best way you can. Resisting those maternal urges are not an easy thing to do, especially for a woman, and you are showing yourself to be a great and strong person for trying to follow the better path to provide a brighter future for your family unit.

Answer 3

its a tough situation to be in and i know how youre feeling although not the full extent, deep down you know the right thing to do. i think you want to wait and take the job but not sure whether to admit it or to hold on to the dream. do whats right for you noone else, its your body and your life you know when the right time is. personally if it were me id take the job and build up a good career and save up as much money as possible, waiting 6 months to a year isnt going to hurt, i know its a long time but this way you will know the feeling of wanting a baby is real and when the time comes it will be worth the wait. it depends how desperately you want the job, if there is other options where you could get another job thatd be different, but if this is what you really want itd be silly to let it go. im sure your husband will understand, he needs to be realistic and understand you need to have a job and money before starting a family or youll struggle. as for your work they cant sack you for falling pregnant,thats discrimination. perhpas you should wait it out a fw months and assess the situation and how you feel inthe job if youre happy there and fele comfortable to be pregnant while working there, once youve been there the right amount of time to be entitled to maternity pay im sure it wouldnt hurt to talk about if then would be the right time to try. but you will know. good luck and dont give up.

Answer 4

I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but if you are then i would advise you to invest in a Persona Monitor. They basically use eight first morning urine tests each month to establish when your most fertile days are, and on those days you then just avoid intercourse or use a condom. On the other days you can have sex without a condom because you are not fertile anyway. You may also find the information it provides is invaluable when you ARE trying to get pregnant, because you can easily target your most fertile days and have sex then.

Answer 5

while you're breastfeeding, drink some prune juice. while you're doing formulation, positioned a drop or 2 interior the bottle. you additionally can opt to rubdown the exterior of the anal section very gently with a Q-tip lined with vaseline. If the stool is stressful, this might make it much less demanding and much less perplexing to bypass. The rubdown action could additionally stimulate those muscular tissues to artwork precise. None of those treatments will reason harm to the toddler...if that doesn't artwork, call the well being practitioner decrease back or get a 2d opinion.

Answer 6

i can see how you're feeling frustrated and kiddo... you're just starting off in life things are gonna get much crazier so just hang on and enjoy this brief moment of freedom!

i think that you should follow your head on this one and i think it would be best for you to go back on birth control. get established in your job, save a little money, enjoy one on one time with your husband before life gets in the way!

talk with your husband and let him know how you're feeling and find out how he's feeling about the situation as well. i'm sure that you two can figure out what is best for the future of your family.

good luck!

Answer 7

ill pray 4 u